Healing with Humor VII

   Walking down the streets of Taxco, Pancho spied his friend, Jose, who was smiling broadly.
"Jose, amigo," said Pancho, "why are you so happy?"
"Ees love, amigo," beamed Jose. "Ees to get married."
   "Aha!" reponded Pancho.   "Ees nice. Who is the lucky senorita?"
   "Carmen del Valle"
    Pancho's face clouded. "You don't want to marry Carmen del Valle. Ees no good."
      Jose's eyes were daggers, "Why not?"
    "Amigo, she's make love weeth every man in Taxco."
     "Si," replied Jose with a shrug, "But Taxco is such a leetle town."

       A poor farmer had two sons that he could not afford to send to college. To the first he said, "I will pay your way
if you promise to pay the way of your brother when you finish.   I can't pay for both of you.   You can work and I will pay his if you
don't want to promise.   The son replied, "Oh, I will promise."   But when he was through college and his younger brother was ready to
go, he told his younger brother that he would not pay. He said, "I don't have anything in common with you all anymore."
So the younger son went to work and later his father died.   He called his older brother and told him of the death. The older brother
replied, "I am not coming, I don't have anything in common with you.   You can take care of it all."
         But in the night his conscience got to him and the next day he called and told his younger brother, "Get him the best suit
you can find and bury him in it and send the bill to me."   OK, the younger agreed.
       A week after the funeral the older brother received a bill for $200,00. Two weeks after the funeral another bill came for
$200.00.   Three weeks after another bill for $200.00.   After the 4th week, the older brother called to find out about the bills.
The younger replied, "Oh, well, you told me to get the best suit I could find, so I rented him a Tux."

    A big, mean lion met a monkey in the jungle. The lion pounced on the poor monkey and asked, "Who is king of the jungle?"
The frightened monkey replied, "You are, O might lion." So the lion let him go.
    The next animal the lion met was a zebra.   He pounced on it and roared, "Who is the king of the jungle?"   The frightened
zebra replied, "You are, O mighty lion." So the lion let him go.
    The lion next met an alaphant and asked the same question. The elephant grabbed the lion, twirled him around and threw him
50 feet into the air. and came down with a bang.   The lion picked himself up and huffed, "Just because you don't know the
answer there is no reason to get rough."

    An overweight man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new died seriously, even changing his driving route to
avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake.    He was scolded by his friends at work
but he had a reply for them.   "This is a very special coffeecake.   I accidently drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes
let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
    "And sure enough," he continued, the eighth time around the block, there it was."

    In some of the outlying areas of British Columbia, Canada, farmers have been plagued with wolves killing their livestock.
Meetings have been held with farmers, environmentalists and concerned citizens in a move to solve the problem. The majority of the local
people favored shooting or poisoning the marauding wolves. At one meeting a women strode to the microphone, listed her impressive
credentials and explained her solution.   "Vasectomy is the answer," she thundered. "Simply trap the wolves humanely, neuter the males and
release them."
    One grizzled old sheep farmer rose to his feet, "Ma'am," he said in a gruff voice, "no disrespect meant, you bein' an expert, but them
wolves are killin' my sheep, not making love to 'em."

Scholars recently traved the origin of the expression, "Hurrah for our side." It was first said by the crowds lining the
street when Lady Godiva made her famous ride sidesaddle through the streets of Coventry.

A LITTLE MIXED UP

Just a line to say I'm living--
That I'm not among the dead.
Tho' I'm getting more forgetful,
And more mixed up in the head.

     For sometimes I can't remember
    When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
    If I must go up for something

Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the "frig" so often

My poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put the food away

Or have I come to take it out?

:C~"-.~--..c And then-whe it is dark out
With my night cap on "my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or...just getting out of bed.

SO,if it is my turn to write you,
There's no need of getting sore.
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

So, remember that I love you,
And I wish that you were here.
But now it's nearly mail time
So I'll say "Goodbye my Dear"...

There I stood beside my mail box
With a face so very red,

Instead of mailing you my letter
I had opened it instead.

There's a story going the rounds about a new baby who was born grinning from ear to ear and wouldn't stop smiling.
Finally the doctor, who had never seen anything like this before called in some of his colleagues to have a look. One of the
them noticed that the baby had his right hand cluched into a fist, so he reached down and opened it. Inside the hand was---The Pill.

    A hat was passed around a certain congregation for the purpose of taking up a collection for the visiting minister. Presently it was returned to
him--emphatically and embarrassingly empty.   Slowly and deliverately the person inverted the hat and shook it meaningly. Then raising his
eyes to high heaven, he exclaimed fervently:   "I thank thee, dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

    During a hot spell in New York, a panhandler collapsed on the street. Immediately, a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.
"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.   "Give him some air," said several men.   "Give him a drink of whiskey," said the old lady.
"Get him to a hospital," someone suggested.   "Give him a drink of whiskey," said the old lady.   The babble continued until all at once
the victim sat up.   "Will you all shut up and listen to the little old lady." he hollered.

    A man arrived in Egypt and went to Hertz Rent-a-camel and headed out into the desert.   On the third day out the camel sat down under him and would not get up.
There is a caravan coming by and he tells them to see the office and send help.   Soon a jeep roars out across the sand with oversized tires and
comes to a stop.   The driver jumps out, walks around the camel, looks in its mouth and concludes, ":got plenty of hay, " and then he feels the hump
of the camel and concludes "got plenty of water."    At that he kicked the camel hard in the side, the camel burped right big, and the driver declared,
"just as I thought, vapor lock."

    A man down in Arkansas had hogs and one of them was run over the the Rock Island Railroad train.   The man wrote the railroad and asked for
damages to his hog.   He wrote:
       My razor back strolled on your track a week ago today.
      Your twenty-nine came down the line and snuffed his life away.
       You can't blame me, the hog you see, strolled thru a cattle gate.
        So kindly pin me a check for ten that debt to liquidate.

The roadroad company had a clerk who tried to write love letters to his girl and they assigned him the letter to answer. He wrote back:

       Our twenty-nine came down the line and killed your hog we know.
       But razor backs on railroad tracks quite often meet with woe.
       Therefore, my friend, we cannot send the check for which you pin,
       Just bury the dead, write o'er his head, here lies a foolish swine.

    There were some students arguing over the difference between agitation, aggravation, and frustration.   Finally one student declared, ":I will show you
the diffference.   He pick a random phone number, dialed it, and when the man aswered, the student asked, "Is Brewster there?"   The man said "no."
The student said, "that's agitation."     He dialed the same number again and asked, "Is Brewster there?"   The man screamed into the phone,
"I told y ou Brewster is not here."   The student declared, "now that's aggravation."     He dialed the same number again and said, "I'm Brewster,
have you had any phone calls for me."    Then he declared, "now that's frustration."

Back in the days when the term "beatnik" was used, there were a couple of them walking in Central Park, NY. A bumble bee got up
one of their legs and he started jumping and gyrating on the lawn. The other one hollered to him, "Man, I can't hear the music, but go man go!:

    A traveling salesman was staying at a hotel where there was a sign: "No Eating in the Room."     He had walked by a deli where he
saw the most delicious looking limberger cheese.   He loved limberger cheese and decided to buy some to sneak into his room.
After eating his fill he didn't know what to do with the leftover cheese. Looking around he saw the flower pot and lefted the plant out
of it and put the cheese in the bottom.   Two weeks later he received a letter from the hotel which said: "Alright, we give up. Where did you put it?"

    At the 20th reunion of the graduating class of the Business school all the former students were wondering what happened to Goerge who
barely made it through school to graduation.    To everyone's surprise he pulled in driving a new Cadilac, wearing a 500.00 suit and really looked
great and prosperous. This piqued everyone's curiosity.    What did he do? How did he succeed?   Finally, one of his favorite professors
asked him confidentially, "George, how did you become so wealthy?"    George replied, "I found a product that I could make for a dollar, and sell for
five dollars, and the 4 percent profit made me rich."

There was as beauty contest in Dallas, Tx. The second runner up got an all expense trip to Oklahoma City for two weeks. The first runner up
got an all-expense trip to Oklahoma City for one week. The winner didnt't have to go.

    There was a Texas Aggie and a Japanese man in a bar. After drinking for a while they got into an argument and the
Aggie suggested they go out in the alley and settle the issue.   A moment or two in the alley and the Aggie heard and felt
a wop,wop, and he was on the ground looking up at the Japanese fellow.   "What was that?" asked the Aggie.
"Tokyo Black Belt 2001" was the reply.    A few nights later the two were back at the same bar and after a while
got into an argument.   The Japanese fellow suggested they step out in the alley to settle the argument.
After a minute or so in the alley, the sound of wop, wop, and the Japanese fellow was on the ground looking up
at the Aggie, asking, "What was that?"    The Aggie replied, "Western Auto Tire Tool, $4.98"

The golfer had been having a terrible time. First he sliced his ball into some bushes, then into a trap, then across
a highway. Finally, he hit it deep into the woods. He went looking for the ball, but couldn't find it. "Why not forget it?" asked
his caddie.
"No way," said the golfer, "That was my lucky ball.!"

    Two aggies were walking down the street when they see a priest approaching. The priest had his arm in a cast.   One Aggie stopped him
and asked,   "Father, what happned to your arm?"      "Oh, I slipped and fell in the bathtub," the priest replied.
    Happy with the answer, the Aggies continued on their way. After a while, one Aggie turns to his friend and asks , "What's a bathtub?"
    The other Aggie shruggs, "How should I know? I'm not Catholic."

A rather large woman went into the department store and approached a male salesman who was rather bow-legged. The woman
asked where she could find talcum powder. The salesman said, "Walk this way please." She replied, "If I could walk that way I would
need talcum powder."

    A little boy is walking down the street, and he's got his little yellow dog on his leash. Up in front of the hotel is this great big guy
and he bragging about his big, ferocious dog. He says, "Man, I've got the meanest dog in the world. I raised him on gun powder. No other
dog would dare challenge him." While he is bragging he sees the kid coming down the street with his dog. He said, "I'm going to sic Tiger on that
little yellow dog."   He took the leash off, took the muzzle off, and let Tiger go.   Just as he was about to pounce on the yellow dog, the
yellow dog opened his jaws and ate Tiger, leash, collar and all.   "Hey, little boy," said the man, "What kind of dog is it you got there?"
The little boy replied, "Well, before I cut off his tail and pained him yellow, he was an alligator."

    A man and his wife were on the elevator which was full to capacity, but the elevator stopped at a floor and a very
pretty curvaceous young girl got on and pushed her way right toward the husband. He noticed that she was very shapely and as she
snuggled toward him he was practically breathing down her neck.   Just then she turned and slapped him very hard and as the
elevator stopped she left in a huff saying, " that you teach you to go round pinching people."
    Terribly embarrassed and flushing with a red face he got off the first chance he could and turning to his wife, he said,
"Honey, I didn't pinch her." She said, in reply, "Yes, I know you didn't. I did.!"

A guy is taking his first golf lesson and he asked the golf pro, "Well, what do I do?" The pro points to the hole 400
yards away and says, "Hit the ball as far down the fairway as you can." The guy proceeds to hit the ball 398 yards, two yards
from the cup. The golf pro gives him a funny look and they get in the cart and drive down to the ball. then the guy asks,
"What do I do now?" The pro says, "Well, now you putt that little ball in that little cup over there." The guys says,
"Why didn't you tell me that when we were back there?"

Someone was explaining how national health care would work. There would be great medical centers, maybe ten stories high and big
like the pentagon building, scattered all over the country. If a member of society had a pain in his side he would enter one of these centers. When he got there he would find a flock of doors labeled, Heart, Lungs, Appendicitis and the like. This feller, figuring he might have appendicitis, would enter the Appendicitis door. It would open into a hallway with two doors marked Male and Female. He would enter the door marked Male and it would open on another hallway with two doors marked Married and Single. Him being a family man he would entered the Married door. This would open out on another hallway with two doors marked Tax-payer and Non-taxpayer. On account of him owning a little property, he would enter the Taxpayer door. This door would open out in another hallway with two doors marked Democrat and Republican. This feller being an Independent but leaning a little
toward the Republican side would enter the Republican door--and fall 10 stories into an alley."

There was once a brave old Indian chief who had three brave sons. Winter was rapidly approaching and the tribe was badly in need of food and supplies. He summoned
them all together and said, "My sons, I want you to go in quest of provisions. Broken Arrow, you head northeast; Running Deer, you go southwest, and Fallen
Rock, you go in many directions.
Several moons went by, and Broken Arrow returned with abundant food. Runnin Deer returned, soon after, with much clothing and other supplies.
The other brother, legend has it, never returned. To this day, he has not been found, but they still search for him. And that is why, wherever one
goes, you can still see signs that say, "Watch out for Fallen Rock."

    In the days of the old west a man came from the old country with his wife and daughter. They had hard times and decided that the West was
not for them.   So Isaac's wife went back east to find a place for them to live while Isaac sold his business and prepared to go.
He sold the business for $500.00 and he and his daughter Rebecca headed east across the Plains to join his wife.
As they were going a bandit rode up and robbed them.   The man and his daughter were standing there watching the bandit make off with
the loot. He turned to his daughter and tearfully said, "Ah Rebecca, my daughter, I am a ruined man. The bandit took my horse and buggy and my 500.00
and I am ruined."    "But Papa," she said, ":the bandit did get your 500.00 where upon she took it out of her mouth where she had it hidden."
And the old man was heard to say, "Ah, Rebecca, my daughter, if only your mother had been here, we could have saved the horse and buggy."

A psychaitrist was explaining the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic. A psychotic thinks two plus two is four, but he is not sure.
A neurotic knows that two plus two equals four, but it makes him so nervous.

A lawyer named Strange was asked by a friend what he would like to have inscribed on his tombstone. "Just put, 'Here lies an honest lawyer,' he said
"But," said the friend, "that doesn't tell who it is." "Certainly it does," the lawyer argued, "People will look it and exclaim, "That's Strange."

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at a low pay for long hours. The smith immediately began his
instructions to the lad. "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he is the village blacksmith."

    Sam Jones had a serious liver ailment and went to the best doctor in his city for an operation. Shortly after he came out of the anesthetic the surgeon
visited him in his hospital room to check up. "How does your side feel?" he asked cheerily.
    "Oh, my sides' all right," Jones croaked. "But I have a terrible pain in my throat. What's wrong with it?"
    "Well," signed the doctor, ":I guess I will have to tell you. You see, I operate in that big amphitheater, and it's a very tense situation with all
eyes watching every cut and stitch."
    "Now, yours was a most unusual case--some doctors never see it in a lifetime. It was a long procedure, nearly two hours. But luck was with
me, and my hand was steady. I had a perfect result.
    "When it was over and I stood back from the table, the amphitheater burst into applause. The medical students stood on their feet and cheered.
In fact, the acclaim was so deafening and went on for so long, Jones, that--well--I took out your tonsils for an encore."

Ole went on a shopping trip and bought a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle. Finally, after working on it every night for two weeks, the puzzle was finished. He called Sven over to see it.
"Look what I have done." Sven commented on how beautiful it was and asked, "How long did it take you to do it?"
"Only two weeks," Ole replied. Sven commented, " never done a puzzle myself, is two weeks fast?"
Ole replied, "Darn right it is. Look on the box. It says "from two to four years."

    A 10 year old boy was looking out the window at a bowlegged man walking down the sidewalk. He called, "Hey, Ma, ain't that a
funny looking bowlegged man?"    His mother, being an English teacher, and wanting proper English spoken at home, gave him a book
of Shakespeare and told him to go to room and read it to learn to speak good English.
    A few days later, the same bow-legged man was walking down the street, and he shouted out, "Behold, Mater, what manner of
men be these who wear their legs in parentheses?"

    A lady was checking out her new house under construction. She went from room to room with the contractor giving details.
In the bedroom she indicated the paint color that she wanted and the contractor scribbled down some notes. He then went to the
window, raised it, and hollered out "Green Side Up."    They went to the living room and she again gave details of her expectations and
after jotting down notes, he went to another window, raised it, and hollered out "Green Side Up."    This was a little frustrating for the
women and she begin to tell of her concern for the efficiency of the contractor.   You jot down stuff and go
to the window yelling Green Side Up.   "Oh," he replied, "don't let that bother you. I have a couple of Aggies laying sod."

       Some people from Asia have trouble pronouncing the "r" sound in English.   A Korean came to LA and went to a
Greek cafe.   He took his regular table and when the owner came over to wait on him, he would say, "I want one
bowl of flied lice." (fried rice) This happened often and one day the old Greek decided he had had enough.    So he told the Korean
that he should learn English. I came from the old country and I learned English. I don't want you coming here again
ordering "flied lice"    So the Korean didn't come for a long time, One day he came in, and sat at the usual place.
The old Greek went over to him and said "May I help you?"    The Korean said clearly, I want one bowl of fried rice, you "clazy gleek."

    Aggie jokes abound in Texas. Even students have published jokes on their own.    One favorite is a football game between
Texas and A and M.   It was at the Cottonbowl at Dallas.    After a good time in the game a jet flew over and caused a sonic boom.
The Texas team thought the canon went off for half-time and they ran off the field.   In four more plays the Aggies made a touchdown.
     Kyle field is where the Aggies play football at home, and they had to put down artificial turf to keep the home coming queen from grazing.

    A man encouraged his wife, a neophyte golfer, to enter a woman's golf tournament, but he demurred, saying, "All that exercise is too tiring."
It was suggested that she rent an electric golf cart. She returned the first evening completely exhausted.   "Do you mean you rode in a cart all
day and you're still tired?" he asked.     She looked her husband square in the eye and said, "Have you ever gotten in and out of a
cart 156 times?

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal
with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." The boy
thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repe ated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed t he following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away,

I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An,
ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.............

       A man who had a pilot's license was having his annual physical for renewing his license. In the doctor's office he was told to read the
eye chart on the wall.   "Read the bottom line if you can."   "I can't read it." "Well read the one above that." He could not read any of them
and was told to read the Big E.   "Which chart?" he asked.   The doctor said, "You are terribly near-sighted. How in the world have you
been able to fly the plane?"   "Well," he said, "I always take a passenger with me.   I can see the control panels very well. I can make out the
broad outline of the runway and I   get up air speed and take off.   When I am air borne I turn on the radio to where I want to go
and fly by radio until I can see the broad outline of the runway below. Then I nose the plan down until my passenger goes "aaaaahhhh."
and then I level out."

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shake s her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

T he hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a

show in a small town in Arkansas ; his dummy on his knee, he starts

going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th

row stands on her chair.

She starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the

color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work

and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against

not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of

humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the

blonde screams... "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that

little idiot sitting on your knee!"

Written by W. Bruce Cameron
http://wbrucecameron.com/

For my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tanya -- I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage -- YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed h er to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm collecting disability."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."